Being 'stuck'

Lockdown. Social distancing. Travel bans. The same people, every day, all day. No wonder we're in the state that we're in (depression and suicide stats?). And it's not just physical confinement. Extra laws, fear-mongering, fake news, sheeple, the utterly staggering degree of selfishness and greed of many country leaders. And the mask non-compliant. The psychological strain has been immense; limiting your options or making you think three times before leaving the house. It's no wonder we're rates of depression are soaring. We're physically stuck.

I love to translate life things into yoga, or yoga into every day life. Maybe just because that feeds into my own opinion of why I do what I do (helping people to help themselves, basically), or because it's a way for me to make sense of this physical body in a physical world with so many deeper and higher layers and meanings. #existentialism. But it's been true in my life since I started yoga. I've noticed many links between my practice and my life, usually in hindsight (does that make it more or less prone to being a 'grasping at straws to make things make sense' kind of thing?)

In yoga we often come across the term, or at least the feeling of being 'stuck'. Usually in the hips (because so much of the asana practice focuses on and requires hip flexibility), but also in the hamstrings, the shoulders, and in pretzel poses where you're not sure exactly how to undo yourself without breaking... (#pushingtoohard?)

What I've learned though, is that practice is key. If you're stuck - with a pose, with hips, with life - just... keep going. Make small adjustments or improvements every day, if you can. Or just whenever you can. Alwys be open to the possibilities. And be gentle on yourself.

I threw myself into work (and inadvertently, doing yoga asana regularly) during the beginnings of Covid, and, unintentionally, I did a lot of practicing on areas that I hadn't focused on much (because it's good to teach what you're not good at) as well as areas that I was already strong in (because teaching your strengths is nice too!). As a result, my asana practice got unstuck. And as a bonus (I guess I should've expected this) I've started feeling a lot less physically confined. So while we're still in lock-down, and probably will be for a long time still, I've managed to make a massive shift.

And it feels glorious.

But you know the absolute bestest part of all of this?? I've seen shifts in my clients, too. Some small, some huge. But undeniable. And some of them have noticed it too, which is an added bonus (because yay mindfulness and being aware of ones own body and mind and stuff!).

Just keep on keeping on. You've got this.

Be FREEEE!
(ah, the good old days of doing yoga outdoors at the Da Vinci hotel)

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Onward & Upward

With everything Covid going on, Move Me has moved all classes online. This has had its own bunch of issues - technical, spacial, logisticial; and in terms of scheduling, advertising and communicating. It's been scary, and exciting, and definitely not what I saw this year bringing! Many things that I was looking forward to, now won't come to fruition, and I've taken some time to process and deal with that. But there have been some amazing things that have come from it, too. I get to see and talk to my mom and my sister every (week) day now! I've been able to assist people in staying sane, getting strong (or stronger), and starting on their (long-overdue!) journeys of reconnecting with their bodies. I'd dare to say that many of these things wouldn't have happened, or wouldn't have been possible had it not been for the whirlwind that 2020 has brought us.

On a personal level, lock-down for me started with some unpleasant health issues that turned decidedly more unpleasant before it finally healed up. That was a journey that I'd prefer to never repeat... Interestingly enough, my body still starts shivering and shaking when I recount the memories. I was given no option but to back down from my physical practice (which was a serious bummer, because I was the strongest that I had ever been, and I had finally gotten to a point where I was completely happy with my body. I was a bit annoyed, to say the least. But also grateful to be alive 😁 #cognitivedissonace

For two solid weeks I did nothing physical. I felt like my strength was withering away. And it was being replaced with cravings for anything and everything unhealthy and delicious! (I'm by no means saying that those two are synonymous - please don't misinterpret that!) I had been in a position before, a few years ago, where I had to stop doing anything and everything physical for a while - I took a month off doing anything in order to assess if what I was doing was the cause, or even an agitator, of my chronic lower back pain. What I recall so vividly from that experience was that when I started doing yoga again (because doing nothing made the pain worse, thankfully!) I was stronger than I had been when I stopped in the first place. Don't ask how. I don't question things like that! For the very first time I was able to get seamlessly into Eka pada bakasana! Whoohoo!

Anyway, so I clung to that memory in slight desperation, hoping and wondering if a similar thing would happen when I eventually got back on the mat. (On a side note, teaching online without demonstrating was really difficult, but I learned a lot there too!)

After three weeks of not doing anything, I could feel that I had lost some strength. I'd lost some of the control that I had gained over the movements of my body. My flexibility wasn't as good either. But, you know what, at least I practice again. There was no miraculous moment of "ooh I can do something I wasn't able to do before!" or even a "thank goodness I can still do this!". But you know what else? Patience.

I got back into my work and into my practice. I took it one day at a time. I think there was so much else going on that I kinda forgot to set goals for myself? Or something. Two months later, I was playing around with some gliders with my sister and lo and behold I was sooooooo close to doing a straddle press. Like, millimetres away. I tried it again an hour or so later, against a cupboard because I am terrified of unsupported handstands. And it happened. Just like that.

And now I can do a straddle press 😊 and also I can bind my toe in pigeon pose on the one side.

Just like that.

So, long story short, do not EVER give up. Setbacks are temporary if you listen to your body, and persist - slowly, mindfully and with a smile.

Eka pada bakasana on the beach. I miss the beach.

Mermaids pose, a prep step towards pigeon pose where you hold onto the toe with your hands (instead of the elbow) and you have your chest facing straight forward (instead of twisted like I am here)

Also, I should learn at some stage to record myself attempting new poses. Maybe in 2021.

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Where to from here?

I won't lie, I've been feeling a bit lost. There have been several changes in my life, vast majority of them great. But with change comes some instability, I guess. Readjusting to, playing around with, getting used to, and seeing the ripple effects of change.

In a yoga practice (and in life) you want change. That's what we strive for. Without change we'd be stagnant, stuck, with no growth. Change is something that we'd usually celebrate. Being able to hold a handstand when you were never previously able to, for example, would be a fantastic feeling! ("would be", because I still haven't gotten that right yet. Ugh.)

On the flip side though, not being able to do a back bend anymore when that was one of your best poses is also change, but more a change that needs to be dealt with and accepted (been there, done that). It can be seen as a 'negative' change. Or you could choose to see the lesson in it.

So where is the lesson in this instability and fear that I'm feeling? But also, why am I struggling with it when the changes themselves were so positive?

Staying grateful for the positivity is definitely something that I needed to learn (as is each little bit of progress on my handstand). Trusting that the change will lead to better things (and that it's not just the change itself that was good) requires a leap of faith. It also requires persistent effort to making the best of each new thing that arises. So, I guess I'm saying that I need to listen and look out for the positive more? Just keep on keeping on. Keep practicing. Keep doing the yoga.

So, with one foot in front of the other, slowly and steadily, I keep moving. Perhaps this week I'll teach more flow, to just keep going, quietly and mindfully.

Or something like that.

Almost sorta' got it... I mean, I can get up there, against a wall, but I'm still way off from actually holding it away from the wall...

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Trust

ANOTHER BLOG POST?? ALREADY?
What can I say, when inspiration hits, it hits hard.

So, I was just having a chat with my sister and she’s trying to encourage me to write more, or at least trying to convince me that my posts really aren’t that bad and that people actually like reading them - or at least that’s what the stats say? I find myself in a position of needing to just let go and trust her.

But this isn’t the only time that this kind of trust thing has come up for me recently. I had to let go of some crappy stuff that I was terrified of ‘losing’ (inverted commas because it turned out that I gained so much more from letting go that ‘loss’ hardly played a role) and that took a lot of trust that other, and hopefully better things would come along.

I’m really modest, often to my own detriment. But the message has been coming across pretty persistently that I’m actually not that bad at what I do, and that perhaps, maybe, I’m actually really good at it. Maybe I really do have a knack for helping people and seeing things and knowing how to go about shifting things. But just to type that has taken so much (letting go and) trusting people (and their results, too) that I’m wondering if perhaps I don’t have major trust issues… *jots down notes for next therapy appointment*

I’m also wondering now how trust can play into your yoga practice, and I guess there it would be all to do with trusting your body, trusting the process, listening and being kind to yourself (more on this here).

My sister and me. She looks trustworthy, right? 

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It’s back. And wrists and ankles and hips.

I had a period of about three months where my pain was all but gone. It happened after a break up that seems had been perpetuating issues and patterns from my childhood. He’s not a bad guy, he just wasn’t great for me. Or, he was, in terms of how much I learned about myself while we were together. I digress.

My body seems prone to side effects of medications, and I’ve had some of those get worse over the course of this year. Since my pain had started dissipating and stressors had changed, the doc and I made a change to my meds. Aaaand the pain started coming back. I now seem to have tendonitis in my wrists, ankles, knees and hips, and from today, in my SIJ. The link with the medication is my (and my physio’s) guess. It may also be because I haven’t been using the same cannabis treatment. I’ll keep you posted. It may be in five months time when the blog urge peaks again, or it may be in four weeks time once I’ve, a) Started on CBD tablets again, and, b) Gone back onto old meds if the CBD doesn’t help.

In the meantime, I’m staying positive, because CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy - read here) does have its place, and because I’ve attained two new clients who are/ have been going through the same autoimmune/ chronic pain ordeal that I slogged through, and I cannot tell you what a massive difference it makes to have people around you who understand. Me for them, but so much them for me, too. If you guys are reading this, thank you :)

JUST FOUND THIS AMAZING ARTICLE ON FIBROMYALGIA!! And it has a cool picture, too.

Also this picture from here about fibromyalgia. It isn't just one thing.

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New concepts

So, turned out that LETTING GO of some of the 'baggage' that I was holding on to actually had a massive impact on my pain levels. A LOT of therapy had gotten me to start realising and dealing with childhood stuff, and then some alternative healing sessions got me to a space of actually letting go of said issues, and then my pain all but vanished. For a while (but more on that here).

(update to New words)

So, turned out that LETTING GO of some of the ‘baggage’ that I was holding on to actually had a massive impact on my pain levels. A LOT of therapy had gotten me to start realising and dealing with childhood stuff, and then some alternative healing sessions got me to a space of actually letting go of said issues, and then my pain all but vanished. For a while (but more on that here).

Insert new word:



Well, not new, really. Just a very necessary clarification.

Psychosomatic means that there is a link between mind and body (I love my ‘business’s’ name), but it doesn’t mean that any pain experienced as a result of stress is in the person’s head. It is, in the sense that all pain is an interpretation of stimuli by the brain, but it isn’t in the sense of being ‘made up’. I struggled with that for YEARS. I had specialists (the ones who charge R1600 for half an hour ‘consultations’) tell me to go to therapy for my lower back pain. Yes, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) has its place in pain management, especially in learning to cope with chronic pain, but it isn’t going to heal your pain, because the pain isn’t all in your head, it isn’t made up. And only if you’ve been in that situation would you understand how frustrating and infuriating it is to be told that. And to have to pay that much to be told that crap.



This can all sound contradictory, I know. And it took me a long time (about four years from the first real ‘sign’) to admit and acknowledge just how strong the link between mind (in this case mainly chronic stress) and body (chronic lower back pain) is. It seems that having dealt with past stress and having let go of situations that were perpetuating that helped my brain let go of the overwhelming pain stimuli. I still have degeneration in my lumbar spine. I still have arthritis in several joints. The autoimmune stuff is still there. Stress had a physical effect on my body. The physical effects were triggered by psychological issues, but I have not made up the pain, I did not consciously decide or choose to be in pain, and I cannot just ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it’.

*deep breath*

Years of CBT has helped me get up in the mornings, and years of psychotherapy has gotten me to a point where I can acknowledge and let go of shit. And that has helped me to retrain my brain to not over react to pain stimuli. It took YEARS of work. As for the psychosomatic side, stress caused physical harm to my body*.

So if you come across someone who’s experiencing chronic pain, be nice to them, k? Thanks.



*derived from a process of elimination, with no other possible explanation besides, perhaps, an unknown/ undiagnosed autoimmune disease (most of which are still impossible to diagnose properly, and the etiology of which is vastly unknown

Dunno who said this initially, but it rings too true

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