Onward & Upward

With everything Covid going on, Move Me has moved all classes online. This has had its own bunch of issues - technical, spacial, logisticial; and in terms of scheduling, advertising and communicating. It's been scary, and exciting, and definitely not what I saw this year bringing! Many things that I was looking forward to, now won't come to fruition, and I've taken some time to process and deal with that. But there have been some amazing things that have come from it, too. I get to see and talk to my mom and my sister every (week) day now! I've been able to assist people in staying sane, getting strong (or stronger), and starting on their (long-overdue!) journeys of reconnecting with their bodies. I'd dare to say that many of these things wouldn't have happened, or wouldn't have been possible had it not been for the whirlwind that 2020 has brought us.

On a personal level, lock-down for me started with some unpleasant health issues that turned decidedly more unpleasant before it finally healed up. That was a journey that I'd prefer to never repeat... Interestingly enough, my body still starts shivering and shaking when I recount the memories. I was given no option but to back down from my physical practice (which was a serious bummer, because I was the strongest that I had ever been, and I had finally gotten to a point where I was completely happy with my body. I was a bit annoyed, to say the least. But also grateful to be alive 😁 #cognitivedissonace

For two solid weeks I did nothing physical. I felt like my strength was withering away. And it was being replaced with cravings for anything and everything unhealthy and delicious! (I'm by no means saying that those two are synonymous - please don't misinterpret that!) I had been in a position before, a few years ago, where I had to stop doing anything and everything physical for a while - I took a month off doing anything in order to assess if what I was doing was the cause, or even an agitator, of my chronic lower back pain. What I recall so vividly from that experience was that when I started doing yoga again (because doing nothing made the pain worse, thankfully!) I was stronger than I had been when I stopped in the first place. Don't ask how. I don't question things like that! For the very first time I was able to get seamlessly into Eka pada bakasana! Whoohoo!

Anyway, so I clung to that memory in slight desperation, hoping and wondering if a similar thing would happen when I eventually got back on the mat. (On a side note, teaching online without demonstrating was really difficult, but I learned a lot there too!)

After three weeks of not doing anything, I could feel that I had lost some strength. I'd lost some of the control that I had gained over the movements of my body. My flexibility wasn't as good either. But, you know what, at least I practice again. There was no miraculous moment of "ooh I can do something I wasn't able to do before!" or even a "thank goodness I can still do this!". But you know what else? Patience.

I got back into my work and into my practice. I took it one day at a time. I think there was so much else going on that I kinda forgot to set goals for myself? Or something. Two months later, I was playing around with some gliders with my sister and lo and behold I was sooooooo close to doing a straddle press. Like, millimetres away. I tried it again an hour or so later, against a cupboard because I am terrified of unsupported handstands. And it happened. Just like that.

And now I can do a straddle press 😊 and also I can bind my toe in pigeon pose on the one side.

Just like that.

So, long story short, do not EVER give up. Setbacks are temporary if you listen to your body, and persist - slowly, mindfully and with a smile.

Eka pada bakasana on the beach. I miss the beach.

Mermaids pose, a prep step towards pigeon pose where you hold onto the toe with your hands (instead of the elbow) and you have your chest facing straight forward (instead of twisted like I am here)

Also, I should learn at some stage to record myself attempting new poses. Maybe in 2021.

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It’s back. And wrists and ankles and hips.

I had a period of about three months where my pain was all but gone. It happened after a break up that seems had been perpetuating issues and patterns from my childhood. He’s not a bad guy, he just wasn’t great for me. Or, he was, in terms of how much I learned about myself while we were together. I digress.

My body seems prone to side effects of medications, and I’ve had some of those get worse over the course of this year. Since my pain had started dissipating and stressors had changed, the doc and I made a change to my meds. Aaaand the pain started coming back. I now seem to have tendonitis in my wrists, ankles, knees and hips, and from today, in my SIJ. The link with the medication is my (and my physio’s) guess. It may also be because I haven’t been using the same cannabis treatment. I’ll keep you posted. It may be in five months time when the blog urge peaks again, or it may be in four weeks time once I’ve, a) Started on CBD tablets again, and, b) Gone back onto old meds if the CBD doesn’t help.

In the meantime, I’m staying positive, because CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy - read here) does have its place, and because I’ve attained two new clients who are/ have been going through the same autoimmune/ chronic pain ordeal that I slogged through, and I cannot tell you what a massive difference it makes to have people around you who understand. Me for them, but so much them for me, too. If you guys are reading this, thank you :)

JUST FOUND THIS AMAZING ARTICLE ON FIBROMYALGIA!! And it has a cool picture, too.

Also this picture from here about fibromyalgia. It isn't just one thing.

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New concepts

So, turned out that LETTING GO of some of the 'baggage' that I was holding on to actually had a massive impact on my pain levels. A LOT of therapy had gotten me to start realising and dealing with childhood stuff, and then some alternative healing sessions got me to a space of actually letting go of said issues, and then my pain all but vanished. For a while (but more on that here).

(update to New words)

So, turned out that LETTING GO of some of the ‘baggage’ that I was holding on to actually had a massive impact on my pain levels. A LOT of therapy had gotten me to start realising and dealing with childhood stuff, and then some alternative healing sessions got me to a space of actually letting go of said issues, and then my pain all but vanished. For a while (but more on that here).

Insert new word:



Well, not new, really. Just a very necessary clarification.

Psychosomatic means that there is a link between mind and body (I love my ‘business’s’ name), but it doesn’t mean that any pain experienced as a result of stress is in the person’s head. It is, in the sense that all pain is an interpretation of stimuli by the brain, but it isn’t in the sense of being ‘made up’. I struggled with that for YEARS. I had specialists (the ones who charge R1600 for half an hour ‘consultations’) tell me to go to therapy for my lower back pain. Yes, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) has its place in pain management, especially in learning to cope with chronic pain, but it isn’t going to heal your pain, because the pain isn’t all in your head, it isn’t made up. And only if you’ve been in that situation would you understand how frustrating and infuriating it is to be told that. And to have to pay that much to be told that crap.



This can all sound contradictory, I know. And it took me a long time (about four years from the first real ‘sign’) to admit and acknowledge just how strong the link between mind (in this case mainly chronic stress) and body (chronic lower back pain) is. It seems that having dealt with past stress and having let go of situations that were perpetuating that helped my brain let go of the overwhelming pain stimuli. I still have degeneration in my lumbar spine. I still have arthritis in several joints. The autoimmune stuff is still there. Stress had a physical effect on my body. The physical effects were triggered by psychological issues, but I have not made up the pain, I did not consciously decide or choose to be in pain, and I cannot just ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it’.

*deep breath*

Years of CBT has helped me get up in the mornings, and years of psychotherapy has gotten me to a point where I can acknowledge and let go of shit. And that has helped me to retrain my brain to not over react to pain stimuli. It took YEARS of work. As for the psychosomatic side, stress caused physical harm to my body*.

So if you come across someone who’s experiencing chronic pain, be nice to them, k? Thanks.



*derived from a process of elimination, with no other possible explanation besides, perhaps, an unknown/ undiagnosed autoimmune disease (most of which are still impossible to diagnose properly, and the etiology of which is vastly unknown

Dunno who said this initially, but it rings too true

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Treasures

I've been lucky, in a way, to not have had much of a run in with death and losing loved ones. Yes I'd lost grandparents, teachers, and uncles and aunts, but no one whom I was particularly close with. (My English teacher was probably the closest, but I was out of school already when she passed away.)

But that changed this year. And fairly drastically. In January, the absolute best grandmother in the whole world passed away. Even though I wasn't as close to her as I had wanted to be, we'd had a connection that is difficult to explain. She was always there for me. If ever I needed advice or to talk, she'd be there. Even though I didn't make much use of it, just knowing that I could if I wanted to made a massive difference. And that's not even mentioning that she was the kindest most loving most forgiving and most accepting person I've ever known.

Her death changed my life quite a bit. For one, I got more into my gardening :) and I fully believe that it's her spirit that's making my garden bloom so incredibly. (Almost) more importantly, it had a drastic effect on my outlook on life. On where I was at, and how I was dealing with things. The previous year had been particularly rough for me and my reaction wasn't entirely healthy or sustainable. The change was difficult, but essential, and amazing. Her death was the push that turned me from a bud to a rose. So, thank you, Oumies.

That same transformation, as good as it was, was equally challenging. There were tough decisions, hard changes, a lot of psychological work. Apart from my awesome psychologist, I had the unending, non judgemental support of a great friend. Our friendship had been a bit of a roller-coaster ride, mainly because both our lives were a roller-coaster ride at the time. But our rhythms matched and we were perfectly suited to helping each other deal with the mountains and hills of our lives. In many ways we were mirrors to each other.

In the weeks before he died, though, our friendship reached a new level. Its difficult to explain, but it's like we hadn't realised before just how supportive we had been to each other. For two weeks I consciously had this pillar of support. He'd always be there to help or encourage or advise, or just listen. Always. As was I for him. So when he died... He was suddenly just not there. Yes, that's generally what happens when people die, but... like... it was so much more than a physical loss, or an emotional loss even. A little piece of who I had become was shattered. If soul mates were a thing, then this was it. And it was gone.

If my gran helped to transform me from a bud to a rose, Cuen helped to make me bloom into a stellar rose, to start standing tall (even though I'm actually really short), to shine my brilliant colour out to the world, whilst protecting myself from... The aphids of life? 😬



I strongly believe that my gran is in my garden, and similarly that Cuen is in every bird that sings. Always there, in the background. And when you pay attention, they're the absolute beauty of the world. The birthing, growing, blooming beauty, death and re-cycling of life. A constant reminder of death, and a perpetual reminder of beauty, love, kindness, giving and caring.

Sometimes I just stop to smell the flowers (I haven't been able to keep roses alive yet) and listen to the birds. And it makes the world of difference to my day.

It may not have the same meaning to you at all, but I'd still suggest that you give it a try every now and then. It can't do any harm, but perhaps it freshens your day, or cheers you up just a tiny bit.

And hopefully this is my last somber post on death 😬

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It's been a while

So, I haven't written for a while. It started out as a mild form of writers block, that then escalated to getting absolutely frustrated with not being able to properly convey my sentiments. In fact, the previous blog that was posted was written after this one. My frustrations led me to ask a good friend, who happened to be excellent at language and communication and bullshitting his way through meetings that had everyone believing that he was an expert in the field, to read through the rough draft and try to help me figure out what I wasn't portraying properly. He gave some excellent feedback. That was then followed by a large dose of procrastination on my part, as well as a move to a new studio space that took ages and so much effort and time.

Anyway, long story short, three days after I had moved to my new place and started getting settled, I got a message to say that my friend, the same excellent grammarian, had died in a motorbike accident.

From there, you can probably imagine why it's taken so long to get back into my blogging. Even now as I type I'm wondering if things are blurry because of my recently diagnosed astigmatism, or from the tears welling up, once again, even though it has been nearly four months.

I'll probably write another post about him, but for now, let's get on with the post of all posts, the dagger in my heart.

(Oh, also, I don't have the guts yet to post this myself, so just a quick shout out to my sister for being a rock star support. I love you.)

It never rains, it pours.

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The bright side of pain

Sigh. The past two weeks have been horrid. Or, at least, the pain has been horrid. Which kind of makes the day horrid. Which makes a week horrid. I'm sure you get the picture.

I am, once again, on the verge of being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylosis (Ooh! I found out: spondylosis refers to the disease state, while spondylitis refers to the inflammatory flare, or specifically to the inflammation of the joints). My most recent scan shows severe inflammation in my lumbar spine, and, to a lesser degree, in my cervical spine, hips, SI joints, and knees. On top of that, I've been in a wrist brace to immobilise my wrist, so that it hopefully heals from an injury that I sustained two months ago, whilst ice skating. Or, more accurately, whilst falling, while ice skating :-p

On meeting a new client, I explained to her about my injuries (I had the brace on and she asked), and I also explained to her that, while several of my injuries are yoga related, I feel that that has contributed to making me a better teacher. My non-yoga related injuries have done the same in the sense that I know very well what to look out for, how to modify, and when to back down. I realised, while explaining this to my client, that being a chronic pain sufferer myself, puts me in a unique position to relate to people in similar situations. I know from experience that no amount of explaining or empathy can fully reveal what someone in chronic pain is experiencing, so it's super useful to have an instructor who already knows first-hand what you're likely experiencing.

While my pain and awareness of injuries may make me a little hyper cautious, I have overcome so much in the process of dealing with my own pain that I have grown my determination and confidence in my ability to help others with the same problems. Coupled with my thorough understanding of anatomy, I help people get into those show-off-y yoga poses too. Because I'm a pretty awesome yoga instructor, for people on a broad spectrum of levels and abilities.

And that is my bright side of pain!

Laughter is the best medicine. As is movement.

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New words

Some of my clients, and all of my friends, are aware of my ongoing struggle with pain. Again something that I'll probably go into in more detail as time goes by, but, for now, I thought I'd share a little bit of my current frustration with you.

“ Fibromyalgia: widespread pain that is present for at least three months; must occur on both sides of the body, above and below the waist, and along the length of the spine. There must be pain in at least eleven of eighteen specific points in the body.”

I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It's still largely a mystery to  health professionals, and used to be used as a I-don't-know-what-is-wrong-with-you-so-let's-diagnose-you-with-this thing. There have been some advances in the understanding of fibromyalgia, like, they can now prove the brain involvement with special MRI scans which would show that the brain perceives pain differently in someone with, as opposed to without the condition. Essentially your body becomes hypersensitive to pain.

The average person takes five years to be diagnosed. This is seriously painful... in more ways than one; going for that long without knowing what is causing your often constant discomfort, having no treatment for it, and usually being told to just 'get over it', is awful.

Because fibromyalgia is still a relatively new diagnosis, and because it's such a vast disorder (symptoms vary from pain in specific tender points of the body, to IBS, to insomnia, to depression), it is often misdiagnosed (for approximately five years). Similar symptoms appear in Rheumatoid arthritis, polymyalgia Rheumatica, Lyme disease, restless leg syndrome (aka Willis-Ekbom disease 😳), ankylosing spondylitis, chronic fatigue syndrome, systemic lupus erythematosus, major depression, thyroid disorders, myofascial pain syndrome, and multiple chemical sensitivity... If you understood all or most of those names, then you're either a well-trained physician, or you've been through the diagnoses wars.

If you're the latter, then my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. And I wish you a speedy diagnosis, and a very wonderful and friendly doctor that understands your pain, too.

So far, smiling, laughing, and playing around as much as possible has been my best medicine. Doing (and sometimes teaching) yoga helps me to deal with the constant bugging annoyance of pain. Testing my limits every day, to see where my body is at, and, MOST importantly, listening when my body really just needs to rest, even if I feel like I'm just being a lazy poop, or like I'm over-reacting to the pain.

K, I've had enough of talking and typing about pain for now. So, my leaving message: just be kind to your body, dammit. And smile.

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